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We are expanding the family! Tomorrow The Kid’s little brother Little Man is coming to stay with us for a while. He’s four, loves Ben 10 (what boy doesn’t?) and loves ham sammiches coz that’s what makes little boys big and strong. We are excited for both boys, that they get to see each other and terrified at the same time, however I do believe this is normal :P
      (you can all stop gagging) Happy Valentines Day Handsome. I don’t love anyone as much as I love you… (just don’t tell Moo. He would be jealous) Wife. xxoo no comments We are in the middle of setting a routine for The Kid. Get up, Eat Breakfast, Get dressed, Take medication, Brush teeth, Shoes and socks and if there is no whinging or whining or “I’m not goings” he can have half an hour of moshi monsters while I pack a lunch box full of awesome cool things that I wished I got when I was his age in my lunch box. We take him to school, he sits in the front of the class with his same teacher that he had last year, who is so amazing and wonderful as she changed her job role from 15 years to teach a different year, in order to continue teaching The Kid for his consistency and routine. He learns separately to his class as he’s too far behind but included enough so he doesn’t notice. For lunch he ignores the delicious lamington, passes on the cheese and biscuits, declines a chocolate custard (WHAT CHILD DOES THIS?) laughs at the sandwich I lovingly made and cut into triangles as per his request; and eats only a packet of salt and vinegar chips. After school we wait with baited breath at the gates, hoping that we see a smiling child running towards us (he is the first one out every day) and not a scowling, eye rolling aggressive creature that lurks inside when he’s scared and confused. So far the creature is hiding away, curled up for another day when he needs it to cope, when things get too hard or too sad or just too unfair for words. We come home and we eat the snacks from his lunch box that he neglected that day, do homework, I convince him to read, if only a few pages. We stumble but learn quickly and feel proud that The Kid feels comfortable enough with us to show us that he is struggling with school and needs help. We barter, me for chores and good behaviour and The Kid for Moshi Monsters (we are experts now) Twilight-his favourite movie or trips to the beach or the pool. Shower, PJs, Dinner and quiet time before milk, teeth and bed. My favourite time of the day. Not because he’s going to sleep and we get a break from the controlled (as can be) chaos but because in those moments when it’s just me and him and he’s lying in bed and I’m walking around and picking up dirty socks and school uniforms and toys from the floor and turning on night lights and fans that we talk quietly. About the next day, what we need to do, where we need to go, what time he has to get up, what time he has to go to bed. It’s where he tells me he wants to play soccer in a team and wants to go the the movies and the beach and go fishing. Where he talks about how he likes “this bed” not his bed and how there are so many pillows and blankets and how warm and cosy it is. I let him be cheeky and laugh at his jokes and watch him out of the corner of my eye as I unpack one thing from his box that he’s refusing to touch. Then I turn out the light and he closes his eyes and I close the door and exhale. He likes it, I think. The routine.
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Awesome job you’re doing there Sass! 
that made me get teary – so beautiful………. xxx 
I love this post. Routine is good, and you’ve written it with such love. 
Sounds like you’re having wonderful and full days, I am sure that he likes it and I’m sure that J benefits from it too. It’s great to hear about you all working it out together, right in the middle of family life so suddenly (in some ways). It all sounds so good, x 
Such a wonderful adventure, to be sharing your life and home with this boy… I am so happy he likes the nurturing, love and routine you provide for him. 
Routines are so worth it. Pain in the beginning but it’ll pay off. Am a bit behind and didn’t know you’d been accepted/received your boy. Am loving reading about your new life. You.are.amazing. 
“….and I’m walking around and picking up dirty socks and school uniforms and toys from the floor and turning on night lights and fans….” - that is bonafide Mum behaviour. Plus it made me blub like a baby. ~x~ 
So wonderful. I loved, and hung, on every word. This child, and all the future ones are so blessed to have you. SO freakin’ lucky. Today marked our first day as foster parents to J. The foster provider we are with is just so brilliant and I’m slightly in love with them all. Our hands have been held the entire process from the interviews, the assessments and the modules and now finally our placement. We are allocated a supervising social worker that is there for us and she will be with us the entire time we are fostering. She reminds me of my auntie Rosie, same looks and attitude and I feel so very calm around her even faced with a semi scary referral that is about to change our lives forever. Before The Kid arrived, Lex and I went from extreme cold feet like “Ohmygodwhatarewedoingwearenotevennearlyqualifiedforthis” to joking it was the longest labour ever and when should we start to push, to “hold my hair i’m going to vomit” I’m not going to lie. I was terrified we were going to get some kid with a mullet and a rats tail. The kid is small for his age, shorter than me (it’s really not hard) and has a full head of lovely blonde hair. Dark green eyes and a wicked little smile that he saves for when he’s being cheeky or finds something hilarious. Looking at us walking down the street you could be mistaken thinking he has come from me. He is a fidgety little thing that cannot sit still. He spent most of the day looking everywhere else but into my eyes when he spoke until we were waiting for tickets to his very first rugby match, when he looked me dead in the eyes and smiled. He doesn’t like to be touched unless he instigates it and is very aggressive with play. Violence has been a big part of his life and we will need to work at playing gently and nicely. The Kid has not had consistent discipline in his life and has hardly had any real structure or routine…as my routine is what keeps me sane and anxiety free he’s in the right household for that. We discussed bedtime routines with him today over lunch and we have decided for now that bedtime is 8pm on a weekday with half an hour quiet time and then lights out and on weekends 9 with half an hour quiet time. I’m not sure what’s right and wrong and we are going on our instinct here. He’s a high energy child and he needs to have sleep or I think he will be difficult to handle the next day. He went to bed quietly this evening, asked to have his galaxy lamp on with the multi coloured lights that show star patterns on the wall and ceiling (SO COOL) and was out cold in half an hour. I have been reminding myself all day that this is not cool and exciting for J. This is scary and new and far away from everything he has ever known. Even if that knowledge he has isn’t appropriate for a child and unhealthy, it’s still home and it’s still where he wants to be. And, while I have a few choice words to say about his mother, I believe that this is probably all she knows too and surprisingly I feel for her. I understand how hard it must be to know that your children are in care, separated from each other and with someone you have never met. I spoke with her briefly and while i’m not sure if i’m even allowed to, I think she’s probably feeling a little more relaxed that she has at least spoken to the woman who will be doing the things that she should have been doing in the first place. I do have some concerns. He has a mobile phone and she has that number and she called it four times in three hours. While I understand that she is worried, she needs to be strong and let J settle in here without being distracted by her calls…other than the fact that she is breaking the contact agreement and her visitation could be in jeopardy. We have explained to him that we have a house rule for any children living with us that they cannot have their mobiles in their bedroom at anytime. He may have it on (I won’t be putting credit on the thing as I don’t believe an 11 year old needs a mobile phone in the first place) but it is to stay in a common area like the kitchen/dining area or the living room. We know that he is on a short term order which is up soon. Depending on what happens, he may be with us for a while or he may be moved on. With foster care there is never any 100%’s *** The Kid loves fishing, swimming, going to the beach and loves lizards and reptiles. He’s very hyper and is on ADHD medication and also mood stabilisers. For an 11 year old I find this just mind blowing and we will work with his GP and therapist to reduce these, put him on a diet of healthy food that isn’t processed and filled with preservatives and give him the discipline and structure that he needs. I am hoping that all of this will work. It feels wrong giving him that many drugs and seeing him visibly ‘dope’. He has never been to the cinema or a birthday party with friends. His favourite movie is Twilight. He likes things with skulls and picks things that are black and plain which pleases me greatly. He’s kinda beachy and looks like he belongs on the set of home and away. Tonight, this is the first bed that he has slept in since mid last year. He has never had his own bedroom before until now. He pushes me a little when it comes to telling him what to do…or what not to do in this case :P and I think this says quite a lot about his family dynamic. He was amazed that I asked Lex to do something and he did it and said that the women are supposed to do everything not the men. Oh how I laughed and told him he would soon learn. I am boss of my world. Hear me roar! Or something. And my softly spoken gentle husband is strong and authoritative with him. The Kid will do whatever he is told by Lex and will do it right away, where I have to ask him several times. I’m sure this may change in the future but it’s nice to see Lex flex his parenting muscles and it be successful. Lex is pleased that The Kid loves soccer (or football for the POMS) he supports the broncos in the NRL and prefers to ride his scooter than his bike. Tomorrow will be a test for both of us as tomorrow Lex goes to work and it’s just me, Moo (who is coping fabulously) and The Kid. We need to sort out his bedroom properly and move him in, I have to do washing as he has very limited clothing (we need to go shopping) and then if he is good I have promised him a trip to the beach for a swim and a run on the sand and a BBQ for dinner. *** Lessons we have learnt from today. Do not forget the medication. This will be disastrous in a social setting with thousands of people around you and it is difficult wrangling an 11 year old who can’t sit still to save his life. Tissues are a must. Tomato sauce gets everywhere even if you watch him eat like a hawk. “Because I said so” is not a valid comeback as parents. I can remember how infuriating it was my parents saying it to me and I saw the frustration on The Kids face when I used it today. I have learnt why it is used though. For me today, the issue was too complex to go into with him and something that he wouldn’t understand or agree with. “Why can’t I talk to mum whenever she calls? What happens if she needs me? She gets scared and I need to talk to her to calm her down.” is a hard statement to hear and I need to find a delicate and appropriate answer to that. It’s not appropriate that he is being manipulated…regardless if his mum knows she is or not and I will not have it in my household. Time shopping trips around after medication time and also after eating. He will be calmer and you won’t have to power walk everywhere or repeat yourself eleventybillion times. Even though there is a little messed up sad Kid tucked up in his own bed tonight, he is still a young boy. He likes to laugh and has a great sense of humour and his smile just lights up my day. He’s beautiful and a little broken but with a lot of hard work we can glue those pieces back together. He won’t be shiny and new, but he will be just as precious and important. Good night world. Tomorrow is a new day and I can’t wait to see what it has in store.
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Wow Sass. What an awesome day you have had. I admire you for the empathy you are able to feel towards his mother – that is something I would find very hard. He will appreciate your compassion though. It sounds like it is a blessing he has found you and I can’t wait to hear how he blossoms in your care. I was listening to an interview about raising boys a little while ago and there is research that shows that boys will react more positively to the male voice – something to do with the lower tone. I find that even with my 2 year old – I can ask something hundreds of times, but as soon as Dad asks it, it is done without question! There are some really interesting differences in how they respond compared to girls. Enjoy tomorrow xx 
Oh Sass, I really feel for this little man. His story really puts things into perspective doesn’t it?! No bed – where else should a kid sleep? I’ve said this before and I mean it, you’re a good egg. I love your routine and rules. Just do what feels right for your home, that’s what all parents do. You can always change it up when you need to. :)
That is all amazing. You made me cry, I’m very happy and very sad. I am so glad that this is happening. Time by yourselves will be very important and seems to me so revealing, kids say all kinds of new things when it’s one-to-one time. I am so pleased that J is in his own room with his lamp. I’m crying again just imagining it. You and Lex are doing a wonderful job already (am sure Moo is contributing too). It feels like, reading your post, everything/everybody is where they need to be, there are a lot of challenges in there but there are no families without challenges. Wonderful. x 
You are doing an amazing thing for J. Good luck today x 
You are going to make so much of a difference in so many children’s lives. I’m rather envious. Just keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll have some tough days and some really good days, but you’ll be fantastic every minute of it! 
Wow. Firstly can I say you are brilliant amazing people. I have thought about fostering myself, but with three boys already, including one who has quite significant support needs ( he has autism, although fortunately his symptoms are not severe) I fear I’d be stretched too far. My youngest needs a lot of help. Secondly, ADD/ADHD is a real, biological illness. My second son has ADD (that is, he has attention problems without the hyperactivity) and his response to medication is profound. I am a pharmacist, married to a doctor, and therefore more comfortable with meds than many people, and have to say that stimulants such as Ritalin get a lot of negative press which is not always deserved. It sounds like he’s on a short-acting preparation. Has he been tried on a long-acting sustained released preparation, as these can be much easier to manage? That said, it’s possible that your boy’s symptoms are (or at least partially) the result of poor parenting early in life, resulting in ‘insecure attachment’ as the experts call it. It’s hopeful that with healthy eating, and a secure routine and some boundaries you may be able to reduce his meds. Let’s hope so, but try not to listen to alarmist stuff about the dangers of Ritalin, because most of it is BS. I’m hoping to write more about this soon at happychild.com.au and will let you know. Finally, I love that you said:.’ “Because I said so” is not a valid comeback as parents.’ So many experienced parents don’t get this but you’ve nailed it on day 1! Without sounding like a broken record, I must recommend this book. ‘How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk.’ Best parenting book I’ve read in donkey’s years. This boy has lucked in, having you and your husband as foster parents. Good luck xxx 
Your doing a great job Hun xx I would tell the social worker about the phone calls though, just from personal experience xx 
this is the first post of yours I have read – fascinating!!! Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to hearing how it goes. You’re doing a great service to J, his family and our whole community. 
Hi Sass, 
Big day Sass. It’s all pretty new & scary for you, Lex & Mr11 but you’ll discover what works for you best, only advice I’d give is “be consistent”. Whatever structure you choose, whatever routine, boundaries etc, just be consistent. Really, really happy for you all though :) 
Freaking awesome. You give me so much hope for what the future can hold. J is lucky to be in a thoughtful home, as are you guys for having this little guy come into your life. 
You are doing even better than I bet you thought you might. Trust me, even the most damaged ones can turn out ok :) And … my first week in foster care? I tried to set fire to their backyard. Now I hold a bachelor’s degree, & have my own family, & love like no other :) The damaged ones CAN be fixed :) And you are going to be the best thing that has ever happened to his life. Of this, I am sure! I’ve been thinking of you every, single day! 
Wow, tears in my eyes. This young boy is in the right place with you and Alex. 
you are amazing sass. this young boy is lucky to have you and lex as role models. i wish you the very best. from what i have read you are doing amaze-balls already! what a great post. you do write very well. take care. xo
J is lucky to be placed with you guys. give it a week and it will feel like he’s been in your life forever. ~x~
All kinds of wonderful! Now, you can start a photo wall with photos of the kids who come to stay with you. And one day you and Lex will be a little old couple with a wall full of faces in front of you. I just know it. And what a life you would have lived. 
You’re an angel in disguise. Simply. As I’ve told you before we fostered my niece & nephew for going-on-6-months prior to our wedding (2009), and whilst they were my niece & nephew and we had the advantage that they already knew and adored me (vice versa), it was still incredibly trying. And hard. And trying. Especially adding one 5 year old and one 6 year old with an-already-7-year-old (our daughter). I was working full time, my husband was working full time, the 3 kids were in before and after school care, and the weekends were spent supervising visits or driving 2 hours north to take them for their visit. We got through it (better still they got through it), and are now back in the rightful arms of their parents – happier, healthier, more nourished – physically and emotionally, and it is so warming to know we contributed to that. In some way. If you ever need a vent, or an ear, I’m here. Strangers, we are not.
In addition to my above comment, I AM a foster child. I was fostered, with my brother, from the age of 3 until I was 18. 13 different homes in the first 6 months because my brother and I were classed ‘unfixable’. Until one. Nan & Pop (as we affectionately called them) spent their lives fostering, and simply knew what to do. Throughout their years they fostered over 60 children – some short, some long term (my brother & I). I know how it feels to be on both ends of the spectrum. I drew a lot of strength from Nan (Pop had since passed away) in the first couple of months of having T & G.. I am so proud of my Nan & Pop. They were, and still are my idols. 
That is OVERWHELMING. And you’re such extraordinary people. I have no information about this, at all, other than the courts being involved in my life when I was small (though we weren’t fostered), but some things that occurred to me (that probably already occurred to you) in case they’re useful… -if you fail to report impermissible contacts from his mother, you’ll end up unintentionally in league with her against the system; if you always report things immediately, and tell her you have to follow the rules, she might not push the boundaries so much? Really, I don’t know You have a full plate. And a great kid. And absolute brilliance with that routine. And such an unbelievable, life-changing adventure(s) ahead of you. I am blown away.
The Bee household will soon be filled with all things 11 year old boy-ness. Stinky boys. I will be surrounded by them and I couldn’t be happier. holycrapyouguyswearefinallygoingtohaveakid!! and I really hope he likes Iron Man. More info soon. xx + 7 comments
congrats hon xx
I can’t believe it, that’s amazing! It has made my (otherwise stinky) day. I want to scream with excitement. I was hoping that the quiet time blog-wise was a good sign. Yippeeeeee! x 
That’s amazing! So excited for you!
Woo Hoo, you are a mummy! How exciting! Hope he settles in well. Have a wonderful weekend enjoying him xx
I cried when I heard you had been placed. You are an amazing person, this is just a new adventure in the awesomeness of Sass! Love you lots x
Just pure awesomeness Sass :)
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We are placed.
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Normal. What’s normal anyway? Overrated. You and Lex are growing your family. Love that the boys will reunite too. Loads more love to share, and showing how a family unit cares for each other. Love. Denyse XX
said it perfectly Denyse … good luck Sass! xt
I am so proud of you!!!!! You are do amazing Sass! Keep us updated on everything!
I hope that everything’s going well. I’m sure that terrified and excited is a perfect way to start out, you’re recognising that there could be good and tricky moments on the way. This sounds like it could be important for everybody, lots of good luck.x
SO GREAT! We’ve been watching with huge interest. I think this is something we’d like to give a try. Remind me to take you out for a coffee and talk details sometime soon. When life settles in a little more. ;)