These boys

 

Have my heart.

I’m falling apart at the moment and I am beyond sick of myself.

I’m off progesterone for now as it’s not working and really, it was turning me into ‘hulk SMASH’ so, while that’s leaving my system i’m a blubbering mess. I spent a good 15 minutes crying about the thought of Moo dying this evening.

I cried about the fact that i’m SURE i’m losing my hair. It’s making me crazy and I keep looking at my head in a hand held mirror.

I cried when Little Man lost his shit over lasagne for dinner and I refused to make him anything else because damn it i’m sick of making three different meals every fucking night.

I cried when he looked at me with huge wounded eyes as I put him to bed and lied to him when I said i’d come back in five minutes.

And I cried when he had a nightmare and I felt guilt that I didn’t just make him sausages like he wanted and cuddled him for five more minutes longer.

Urgh, I suck at the moment.

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July 28, 2012 - 1:28 pm

Caroline Brown - huge *hugs* to you hun. it will get better (i hope).

July 28, 2012 - 2:22 pm

The Bumpiest Path - ok, I’ve read your past 2 posts and let me tell you why you are a GREAT FOSTER MUM! ok? You are honest with your feelings, blunt with your emotions and able to lay it all out for public viewing. That makes you awesome. You may not think so now, you may not feel so now but you are. I started fostering 14yrs ago, I had 3 children of my own and was still softly spoken. My kids were sweet, busy, challenging but nothing like what we fell into.
14yrs later I yell like I’ve never yelled before, I get angry and sick of the dinner time tantrums. It’s been 3 years since the last child came to us and we still get the standoffs, oppositional battles, and attachment issues. When it gets all too much I have to stop, seek a quite place and try to remember the child when they first came. That gives me signs of how far we have come.
You are awesome for standing up to him, it would be easier to give in, easier for you but not good for him. Don’t EVER think you are an awful foster carer. You are NOT.
Hang in there and perhaps get yourself some YOU time (I know…. not easy)

July 28, 2012 - 6:09 pm

Trudie Bristow - Sass I’m terrible I read but rarely comment here. But please go easy on yourself, it zaps you of coping energy. I send you more vibes of encouraging support.

July 29, 2012 - 6:12 am

Anna - I’m so sorry that you’re feeling down, but thinking that you suck is part of being in a mess – you don’t suck at all, you are great. Look at that happy contented little boy and that lovely shiney dog. They are testament to your how little you suck. And all that sht about meals, that’s going on everywhere, every time with parenting that you take a stand you wonder whether you’re teaching them something or just being mean because you’re pissed off (I do). You are amazing and you will get back to the place where you can see that, soon I hope,x

July 30, 2012 - 11:50 am

Melissa Walker Horn - I hear coming off that stuff is a bitch. Be kind to yourself. xox

July 30, 2012 - 4:23 pm

stinkb0mb - “I spent a good 15 minutes crying about the thought of Moo dying this evening.”

I know exactly why you did that and I’m eternally sorry :(

I can’t say that he never will because he will but I pray that it’s a long, long, long time away.

Love you xxx

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