There are days when The Kid is just a normal kid.
He has normal 11 year old attitude, he rolls his eyes when we won’t let him play the computer before homework, tries to find an excuse to stay up later, complains about showering and brushing his teeth, complains about how many carrots we put on his plate and whinges that his brother gets more milk in his cup than he does.
And then there is The Kid with the snarling monster inside.
The Kid that knows only rage when he is frustrated and angry and hurt.
These boys really know hurt.
The hurt of neglect, violence, abuse, hunger and fear.
The Kid has had a hard couple of days. Ear infections are the worst ever and The Kid has really suffered…which in turn means we have all suffered through it with him.
Husband is amazing. The best foster daddy you could ever imagine and the best husband to me.
The evenings when he has come home and i’m literally dead on my feet and near tears after dealing with The Kid who goes from being a hilarious child with a wicked smile to attitude which has me grinding my teeth to nubs, to tears and refusing to take any pain medication or his antibiotics and Little Mans own trauma, Lex holds me up, rolls up his sleeves and jumps into parenting the boys as best they have ever had.
Oh Little Man how I just adore you.
This Little Man needs a mummy and I will be that mummy until I can no longer.
This Little Man, who they said could not form attachments and is mute is very much attached to me.
From the moment he gets up, to the moment I put him in bed and fall asleep by the side of his bed while singing the family ‘Nigh Nigh Song’ he is mine and I am wholeheartedly his. I hold him in my heart as if I have birthed him myself.
He crawls all over me, asks for cuddles when he is tired, we play dwagons for hours and he gets bored before I do.
He cuddles into Lex and I swear, I melt inside when I see my boys sitting on the couch together, Moo included.
There is nothing that I would not do for him.
Which is why I am dealing with my very own hurt too.
You see, The Little Man left us last night to go back to his interim carers until we can hopefully get him back permanently.
Yesterday afternoon he was overly attached, he would not let me put him down. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without a melt down of epic proportions. We were patient and after quiet time on my lap, he opened up and spent the rest of the afternoon socialising with our friends which was so special for us all to be apart of.
We came home for dinner and as we arrived his carers were there to collect him.
Sitting on the couch while I ran around like a headless chicken re-packing his bags that he had unpacked twice in the day, the carers said they had to leave.
And when my little man realised that he had to go with them, he looked at me and his face just crumpled.
He screamed while I carried him to the car.
He howled while I strapped him into his car seat.
He grabbed me and would not let me go.
Then putting his arm out reaching for me as he screamed and cried and begged NO NO NO NO NO
And my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.
I held it together until we managed to close the car door and I had to walk away.
And I cried the hardest I have ever cried before.
I cried for my little man, who was so confused and hurt and scared.
I cried for The Kid upstairs who had to hear his brother be ripped away from us.
and I cried for us.
The only chance we get to parent are to children who belong to someone else.
Who are damaged and hurt and traumatised.
I cried as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I fear it will not heal until he is back here, with his brother, with Lex, with Magic Moo and me.
His stand in mummy.