Hurt

There are days when The Kid is just a normal kid.

He has normal 11 year old attitude, he rolls his eyes when we won’t let him play the computer before homework, tries to find an excuse to stay up later, complains about showering and brushing his teeth, complains about how many carrots we put on his plate and whinges that his brother gets more milk in his cup than he does.

And then there is The Kid with the snarling monster inside.
The Kid that knows only rage when he is frustrated and angry and hurt.

These boys really know hurt.

The hurt of neglect, violence, abuse, hunger and fear.

The Kid has had a hard couple of days. Ear infections are the worst ever and The Kid has really suffered…which in turn means we have all suffered through it with him.

Husband is amazing. The best foster daddy you could ever imagine and the best husband to me.
The evenings when he has come home and i’m literally dead on my feet and near tears after dealing with The Kid who goes from being a hilarious child with a wicked smile to attitude which has me grinding my teeth to nubs, to tears and refusing to take any pain medication or his antibiotics and Little Mans own trauma, Lex holds me up, rolls up his sleeves and jumps into parenting the boys as best they have ever had.

Little Man…

Oh Little Man how I just adore you.

This Little Man needs a mummy and I will be that mummy until I can no longer.

This Little Man, who they said could not form attachments and is mute is very much attached to me.

From the moment he gets up, to the moment I put him in bed and fall asleep by the side of his bed while singing the family ‘Nigh Nigh Song’ he is mine and I am wholeheartedly his. I hold him in my heart as if I have birthed him myself.

He crawls all over me, asks for cuddles when he is tired, we play dwagons for hours and he gets bored before I do.

He cuddles into Lex and I swear, I melt inside when I see my boys sitting on the couch together, Moo included.

There is nothing that I would not do for him.

Which is why I am dealing with my very own hurt too.

You see, The Little Man left us last night to go back to his interim carers until we can hopefully get him back permanently.

Yesterday afternoon he was overly attached, he would not let me put him down. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without a melt down of epic proportions. We were patient and after quiet time on my lap, he opened up and spent the rest of the afternoon socialising with our friends which was so special for us all to be apart of.

We came home for dinner and as we arrived his carers were there to collect him.

Sitting on the couch while I ran around like a headless chicken re-packing his bags that he had unpacked twice in the day, the carers said they had to leave.

And when my little man realised that he had to go with them, he looked at me and his face just crumpled.

He screamed while I carried him to the car.
He howled while I strapped him into his car seat.
He grabbed me and would not let me go.
Then putting his arm out reaching for me as he screamed and cried and begged NO NO NO NO NO

And my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

I held it together until we managed to close the car door and I had to walk away.

And I cried the hardest I have ever cried before.

I cried for my little man, who was so confused and hurt and scared.

I cried for The Kid upstairs who had to hear his brother be ripped away from us.

and I cried for us.

The only chance we get to parent are to children who belong to someone else.

Who are damaged and hurt and traumatised.

I cried as my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I fear it will not heal until he is back here, with his brother, with Lex, with Magic Moo and me.

His stand in mummy.

 

 

 

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February 27, 2012 - 5:45 pm

Jodie - tears for you Sass xxx

February 27, 2012 - 5:48 pm

Ms_MotorbikeNut - Sweetie if there is anything we can do let us know, Hopefully this will all be sorted out soon for LM’s sake

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

February 27, 2012 - 6:00 pm

Zoe - Love and cuddles for you. I hope you get him back soon x

February 27, 2012 - 6:00 pm

Uber Simplicity - Oh my goodness Sass I have tears and goosebumps for you. I pray that they see the Little Man needs to be with you, Lex and his big brother. Oh gosh I have no words. Sass what you are doing is beyond fabulous, and those little dudes are meant to be part of your family, no question. I can only imagine the heartache and the pain you were in last night. Much love, hugs and kisses to you xxoo

February 27, 2012 - 6:14 pm

Caroline - My heart breaks for you. these boys need some stability in their life. I hope LM is returned quickly to your house.
You and Lex are amazing people. Huge hugs xx

February 27, 2012 - 7:32 pm

Kasey (@princess_kasey) - My god Sass, I’m crying…………(HUGS)

February 27, 2012 - 8:00 pm

Illanare - Oh Sass, you lovely, brave girl x

February 27, 2012 - 10:53 pm

Chantel - Your strength is amazing Sass. The love and stabilty you guys are providing for these boys is beyond wonderful. Hopefully LM will be back very soon, where he belongs with you guys and Moo xx

February 28, 2012 - 12:04 am

Anna - Oh Sass, it looks like we’re all crying too. You are doing so well and I can’t wait till you have LM home again, I can’t imagine how hard this has been. I am hoping with all my might that LM is back with you all soon, it’s good and right for you all to be together. Keep being so fantastically strong.x

February 28, 2012 - 1:17 am

Jen - Oh Sass. xxxxx

Lets hope they get it right quicker than Flash Gordon & LM back with you all.

February 28, 2012 - 8:30 am

Krystal - Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I’m hoping he can come back to you soon. As a foster mom who had to give a 2 month old baby back, I know how hard it can be (although I imagine the child being aware of what is going on would be worse). Stay strong for his brother. I’m praying the time goes quickly.

February 28, 2012 - 8:47 am

Nicole - I wish I knew you in real life. I would give you the biggest hug. It is because of you, because of people like that *points to the quote at the top of the page*, that my brother and I are still alive.

Thank you. For doing everything you do. I wish there could be so many more of us and so many less of the nasties.

February 29, 2012 - 5:00 pm

Sonia @ Life Love and Hiccups - Sass I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. I hope with all my heart he is back with you soon, for his sake and yours xxx

February 29, 2012 - 7:23 pm

Aunty bear - I always knew you were amazing. Even from birth, but I am in awe of you because you are who you are. I met someone recently and was telling her about you and she said “we kids need people like sass” she was in and out of foster homes for years until she found her sass. Bless. You are amazing. L2U. AB

March 4, 2012 - 8:19 pm

Melissa {Suger} - Hard Sass, so hard. xox

March 9, 2012 - 10:46 pm

Peggy Saas - Oh Sass, that is just so unfair. I am praying and hoping hard he is back with you soon. The poor little darling. :( Much love and big hugs. xo

March 18, 2012 - 7:09 pm

Maxabella - Everytime I read your posts I want to shout off a cliff into the expanse of hurtling ocean below “you are amaaaaaazing, Sass!” I choose a cliff and the ocean so I can shout it at the top of my lungs yet not disturb the peace that you have created in the hearts of the fragile children you nurture. x

March 21, 2012 - 12:19 am

Hannah - I am catching up with your blog. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope little man is reunited with you guys soon. You are an amazing mom.

March 21, 2012 - 7:31 am

Fiona @ My Mummy Daze - OMG Sass. Sooo much respect.

The challenges I face with my step-son seem minuscule compared to this.

Your patience and love for these young boys makes me so happy that people like you exist for these lost little souls.

Much love xxx

March 21, 2012 - 3:54 pm

Donna @ NappyDaze - Oh Sass I am crying right along with you! Pray you get him back soon – he sounds like he deserves nothing less than you xx

March 23, 2012 - 8:53 am

Talia - Sounds like you’re doing an AMAZING job, and that he loves you lots! My heart breaks for kiddies who have to deal with so much crap like he’s had too. :-(
And my heart breaks for you too Sass. Stay strong. xo

March 28, 2012 - 12:05 am

Cherie @ a baby called Max - Oh.

My lord.

You have no idea how much this takes me back :(

My gosh. I’m lost for words.

All I can say is, ‘you love those boys. You love them like no other’.

It just hits you like a sonic boom with very word you read xx

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